Please read the preceding post, "Profound Relationships" for context.
My last posting wondered about the components of what I was calling a "profound relationship". Admittedly, a less verbose name is needed for the concept. Maybe this is just another packaging of the age-old musings about the nature of love, but I think rather than trying to define all the various kinds of love, this conversation is more about narrowly focusing on one expression of it that we normally see in long-term monogamous couples.
I called it "profound" to distinguish it from flings, infatuations and other flavors of those kinds of relationships and to call attention to the fact that profound couplings are extremely rare. By profound, I mean one that lasts a "long" time, is satisfying to both partners, produces good fruit and has a presence that is detectable to friends and observers. In other words, the "couple" is a strong entity without diluting the individuality of the partners involved.
There are lots of other interesting discussion paths to explore regarding timing, friendship, romance and eroticism. Can there be any order? What is the difference in the relationship for particular orders? What is the difference for relationships with higher portions of one or the other? What if one or more is completely missing? On and on....
But I want to talk about what I believe is a fifth and very important component of a truly profound relationship: Vision. Of course, vision is important for any organizational entity or collection of people with a mission. It provides the reason for existence, direction and expectations for the future. It provides a mission and and inspires an energy to drive the mission.
What does this mean in a personal two-person relationship? I do not mean to suggest that it should be anywhere near as dry as explicitly mapping out plans, deliverables, success metrics or anything like you'd find in a commercial enterprise. But I do think a vision is an important part of the level of profundity of the relationship.
The vision is more than likely implicit rather than explicit. Or it starts implicitly and grows. And, it should be more abstract than concrete. If a vision is too concrete or explicit, it is too mechanical for a personal relationship, especially one that includes romance and eroticism. It can kill or diminish these important components. IOW, the relationship becomes too much of a business.
For young people, the obvious overriding vision is the family. Raising a family requires a vision that takes 20 years or more to bring to fruition. Thousands of decisions are made on a daily, weekly, monthly, annual basis that drive the vision of the family.
That said, a truly profound relationship will likely have a parallel vision that either runs as a secondary priority or is a seed that is planted and nourished at a slower pace while the more urgent family vision is grown to maturity.
Vision provides a framework in which the profound relationship can grow. It is idealistic and will never be completely realized. This keeps the infinity alive to avoid stagnation. Visions might range across artistic expression, community service, scientific endeavor, spiritual adventure, world travel and many more or some creative combination. The more abstract and spontaneous the better.
How can I tie these two posts together? I'll give it a shot, although consider this is one of a million, billion possibilities...
A particular accident of timing throws two people together who both experience that first romantic spark of interest. This morphs into a short-lived eroticism that runs its course, at least in its most intense form, giving birth to a very rich friendship that allows each to grow in new ways and explore common interests as well. Continued attention to timing pushes the relationship forward and promotes a desire for dual spiritual growth that gives birth to a vision that is never explicitly stated, but is unconciously created daily leading to increased creativity, productivity, appreciation and emotional presence of both partners.
Daily noise and haze does not stand a chance against such a formidable reality.
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Saturday, December 20, 2008
Profound Relationships
What makes a profound relationship between two people? Something beyond one based on sex. Something beyond one based on romance. Or friendship. Or timing. Something that is the sum of all those parts and more than the sum. The product of the multiplication of all those parts.
Timing, Friendship, Eroticism, Romance. A relationship that combines all 4 of these elements in the right proportions will exhibit something that appears spiritual. A holistic bonding of two individuals that is healthy, productive, positive and growing. There may be more, but these elements are certainly key.
Is this blending of two spirits into a greater whole the same as agape? I do not think so. Agape is a Greek word translated into English as "love", but has historical usage that seems to denote a more generalized love for God or from God. The kind of relationship I am seeking to describe is one that is squarely rooted in humanity. However, the exercise and success at blending the elements leads to an expression that is intimate, artistic, and at best, spiritual.
Are any of the elements more key than others? Well, certainly timing is fundamental. Without it, an initial meeting cannot occur. Beyond that, the particular individual states must be compatible for anything beyond a simple introductory exchange to occur. Timing may not be everything, but it is fundamental.
Beyond the relevance for initial meeting, timing is a meta-component of all the others and throughout a relationship. Timing of movement, comments, initiation, verbal exchanges and on and on are constantly guiding a relationship in subtle directions. Timing is to relationships as time is to physical dimensionality (i.e. it is a dimension, but has an ordering function on the other three of height, width and depth). Timing is necessary for starting a relationship and acts as a steering wheel throughout a relationship to keep it on course or not.
Of the other three, friendship certainly plays the next most important role. It is the cornerstone of any long-term relationship. It needs to be fed very often and enhances patience when trying times cause emotional flareups. Friendship loves fun and doing things together. It is enhanced through conversation, common activities and intimacy. Without friendship a relationship can be a silly melo-romantic wallowing or a one night stand (potentially repeated a few times).
Adding romance on top of friendship builds an important tier for affection. Touching, kissing, cuddling are irrestible if romance is present. Thoughtful, meaningful gifts may be a part of it. Thoughtfulness is definitely a part of it and to a higher degree than thoughtfulness at a friendship level. Human history is filled with the common symbols of romantic expression, which are best used once in a while and semi-regularly for maximum intensity. Too much becomes empty sentimentality. Too little diminishes a relationship back to the friendship level.
Eroticism, while present in the best of relationships, is least important from a long term perspective, but common in short term relationships. In profound relationships, it is best sprinkled sparsely over the top of a dish with a solid foundation in timing, reinforced with a flexible layer of friendship and energized with a tier of romance. A little goes a long way. If romance is the sauce, eroticism is the secret spice.
The specific combination of these elements is infinite and will be different for every relationship of course. Relationships that succeed, even for a less than marathon time period, will appear to be a work of art. Lovers are in sync and the relationship exudes positive energy that is energizing to those around it.
"I gotta get me some of that" is the usual reaction. The terms "power couple" or "soulmate" are pathetic attempts to express the effect of such a relationship in words. Music or some other art form do a much better job.
Timing, Friendship, Eroticism, Romance. A relationship that combines all 4 of these elements in the right proportions will exhibit something that appears spiritual. A holistic bonding of two individuals that is healthy, productive, positive and growing. There may be more, but these elements are certainly key.
Is this blending of two spirits into a greater whole the same as agape? I do not think so. Agape is a Greek word translated into English as "love", but has historical usage that seems to denote a more generalized love for God or from God. The kind of relationship I am seeking to describe is one that is squarely rooted in humanity. However, the exercise and success at blending the elements leads to an expression that is intimate, artistic, and at best, spiritual.
Are any of the elements more key than others? Well, certainly timing is fundamental. Without it, an initial meeting cannot occur. Beyond that, the particular individual states must be compatible for anything beyond a simple introductory exchange to occur. Timing may not be everything, but it is fundamental.
Beyond the relevance for initial meeting, timing is a meta-component of all the others and throughout a relationship. Timing of movement, comments, initiation, verbal exchanges and on and on are constantly guiding a relationship in subtle directions. Timing is to relationships as time is to physical dimensionality (i.e. it is a dimension, but has an ordering function on the other three of height, width and depth). Timing is necessary for starting a relationship and acts as a steering wheel throughout a relationship to keep it on course or not.
Of the other three, friendship certainly plays the next most important role. It is the cornerstone of any long-term relationship. It needs to be fed very often and enhances patience when trying times cause emotional flareups. Friendship loves fun and doing things together. It is enhanced through conversation, common activities and intimacy. Without friendship a relationship can be a silly melo-romantic wallowing or a one night stand (potentially repeated a few times).
Adding romance on top of friendship builds an important tier for affection. Touching, kissing, cuddling are irrestible if romance is present. Thoughtful, meaningful gifts may be a part of it. Thoughtfulness is definitely a part of it and to a higher degree than thoughtfulness at a friendship level. Human history is filled with the common symbols of romantic expression, which are best used once in a while and semi-regularly for maximum intensity. Too much becomes empty sentimentality. Too little diminishes a relationship back to the friendship level.
Eroticism, while present in the best of relationships, is least important from a long term perspective, but common in short term relationships. In profound relationships, it is best sprinkled sparsely over the top of a dish with a solid foundation in timing, reinforced with a flexible layer of friendship and energized with a tier of romance. A little goes a long way. If romance is the sauce, eroticism is the secret spice.
The specific combination of these elements is infinite and will be different for every relationship of course. Relationships that succeed, even for a less than marathon time period, will appear to be a work of art. Lovers are in sync and the relationship exudes positive energy that is energizing to those around it.
"I gotta get me some of that" is the usual reaction. The terms "power couple" or "soulmate" are pathetic attempts to express the effect of such a relationship in words. Music or some other art form do a much better job.
Monday, November 10, 2008
Coddling
Did 20th century American culture create a privileged underclass of adult children? Certainly there are many who fall into this category. Do we do our children a huge disservice by coddling them through adolescence? The 20th century began a time when teen-agers were expected to become useful and productive from late childhood. Partly as a reaction to 19th century child labor atrocities, we invented an extended childhood that lasted up through 16 years. That time has grown to 21 years or more with the expectation of a college education for everyone.
Admittedly, in most cases this time is not wasted and young people gradually develop a sense of responsibility and desire for productivity. For some though, it can be a time of extended boredom. Some are showered with money and gifts and great lengths are taken to protect them from reality. Our education system tends to be disconnected from reality in many cases.
Even though most "yoots" (re Joe Pesci's hilarious "Cousin Vinny" character) become productive to society and do not become burdens on the state or worse, does this extended childhood contribute to a "do the minimum" attitude? Why do many extremely successful individuals come from very challenging circumstances? Very challenging early circumstances seems to produce either a strong desire to succeed or the opposite extreme of giving up. The extended childhood to which most of our yoots are subjected may be more likely to produce mediocrity than one extreme or the other.
What is the quality we need to engender that is caused neither by too much coddling or too much unfortunate circumstance? We need our yoots to want to make a difference in the world. We need them to engage at an early age. We need their young fresh minds to be applied to constructive thinking and doing rather than killing time with the latest video game.
How can we help make this happen?
Admittedly, in most cases this time is not wasted and young people gradually develop a sense of responsibility and desire for productivity. For some though, it can be a time of extended boredom. Some are showered with money and gifts and great lengths are taken to protect them from reality. Our education system tends to be disconnected from reality in many cases.
Even though most "yoots" (re Joe Pesci's hilarious "Cousin Vinny" character) become productive to society and do not become burdens on the state or worse, does this extended childhood contribute to a "do the minimum" attitude? Why do many extremely successful individuals come from very challenging circumstances? Very challenging early circumstances seems to produce either a strong desire to succeed or the opposite extreme of giving up. The extended childhood to which most of our yoots are subjected may be more likely to produce mediocrity than one extreme or the other.
What is the quality we need to engender that is caused neither by too much coddling or too much unfortunate circumstance? We need our yoots to want to make a difference in the world. We need them to engage at an early age. We need their young fresh minds to be applied to constructive thinking and doing rather than killing time with the latest video game.
How can we help make this happen?
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Entitlement
What is the deal with feelings of entitlement? It seems that many people from a variety of backgrounds and contexts show this personality trait.
Seems to me that entitlement overdrive can take 2 forms. One is based on historical expectation and the other is rooted in envy and resentment.
Some people feel entitled to keep getting the same level of goodies and rewards as "they have become accustomed". We see this kind of entitlement expection in the stereotypical spoiled brats of the world. This can come from the very rich or from anyone who has become accustomed to getting things that were not earned. Receiving things that were not earned is the root of the problem. A false perception of superiority builds inside the individual. Any changes that might cause a reduction in benefits is usually not welcome. This kind of entitlement complex has a historical expectation basis. Even though this variety is real, it usually only results in whining or other harmless yet crass social behaviors.
Envy and/or resentment causes some of the same symptoms. People in this camp resent not getting things that they have not earned. IOW, they see others who get benefits that they do not or perceive that they cannot ever have. This causes resentment toward those who enjoy those benefits. Envy causes them to lash out at a particular social class or society at large. This can manifest itself in physical violence or relatively harmless one-upmanship (for example, getting your friends to wait in a long line, then call you on your cell phone when they are close to the front so you can move past others who are paying the dues of waiting). Of course, this kind of behavior sidesteps the reality of earning the benefit.
The root solution to either of these manifestations of entitlement is commitment to taking what we earn and no more. We all have feelings of entitlement from time to time. When we feel this coming on we should stop and ask ourselves "have I earned this?".
Seems to me that entitlement overdrive can take 2 forms. One is based on historical expectation and the other is rooted in envy and resentment.
Some people feel entitled to keep getting the same level of goodies and rewards as "they have become accustomed". We see this kind of entitlement expection in the stereotypical spoiled brats of the world. This can come from the very rich or from anyone who has become accustomed to getting things that were not earned. Receiving things that were not earned is the root of the problem. A false perception of superiority builds inside the individual. Any changes that might cause a reduction in benefits is usually not welcome. This kind of entitlement complex has a historical expectation basis. Even though this variety is real, it usually only results in whining or other harmless yet crass social behaviors.
Envy and/or resentment causes some of the same symptoms. People in this camp resent not getting things that they have not earned. IOW, they see others who get benefits that they do not or perceive that they cannot ever have. This causes resentment toward those who enjoy those benefits. Envy causes them to lash out at a particular social class or society at large. This can manifest itself in physical violence or relatively harmless one-upmanship (for example, getting your friends to wait in a long line, then call you on your cell phone when they are close to the front so you can move past others who are paying the dues of waiting). Of course, this kind of behavior sidesteps the reality of earning the benefit.
The root solution to either of these manifestations of entitlement is commitment to taking what we earn and no more. We all have feelings of entitlement from time to time. When we feel this coming on we should stop and ask ourselves "have I earned this?".
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Corporate Culture
I have been spending the week starting a new job and learning the company product. Two variables that become apparent very quickly is company and customer culture.
Company culture seems to be influenced by the leadership, the people that make up the company, the particular business of the company, the level of quality of the product or service provided by the company and the customer base.
The leadership of a particular company has the largest influence on the fundamental cultural characteristics of a company. The level of open communication, trust and honesty perceived from the senior leadership is transferred and magnified across the organization. This is magnifed even moreso in a small to mid-size company. Smaller company culture can be affected to a larger degree by the individuals that make up the company. Larger companies are more affected by senior leadership, brand, history and tradition.
The level of product quality can have an extreme effect on a company culture for good or bad. For larger, successful companies this is typically a positive effect, otherwise, they might not still be in business. However, market disruption or financial challenges can tip this ingredient to one side or the other. For smaller companies, a high quality product can push morale higher, promoting a self-sustaining positive environment for future growth. A low quality product can undermine morale and create bickering and blamecasting across departments.
Even though customer culture has a uniqueness quotient between each individual company, there appears to be some common ground across customers of a particular product, especially a software or technology product. The bond that grows between users of a particular product, especially if that group is small, can affect the team culture of that user group.
Company culture seems to be influenced by the leadership, the people that make up the company, the particular business of the company, the level of quality of the product or service provided by the company and the customer base.
The leadership of a particular company has the largest influence on the fundamental cultural characteristics of a company. The level of open communication, trust and honesty perceived from the senior leadership is transferred and magnified across the organization. This is magnifed even moreso in a small to mid-size company. Smaller company culture can be affected to a larger degree by the individuals that make up the company. Larger companies are more affected by senior leadership, brand, history and tradition.
The level of product quality can have an extreme effect on a company culture for good or bad. For larger, successful companies this is typically a positive effect, otherwise, they might not still be in business. However, market disruption or financial challenges can tip this ingredient to one side or the other. For smaller companies, a high quality product can push morale higher, promoting a self-sustaining positive environment for future growth. A low quality product can undermine morale and create bickering and blamecasting across departments.
Even though customer culture has a uniqueness quotient between each individual company, there appears to be some common ground across customers of a particular product, especially a software or technology product. The bond that grows between users of a particular product, especially if that group is small, can affect the team culture of that user group.
Monday, October 20, 2008
Ticket Scalping
Scalpers are a cross between a drug dealer and a used car salesman. They have a focused swagger that gets down to business. There is a limited time to make a sale of a premium-priced product whose value is dropping by the minute once the game starts.
Why is there a market for this in the 21st century when it is so easy to get tickets online, either original or resells? There must be 3 main customer types for the scalper:
Why is there a market for this in the 21st century when it is so easy to get tickets online, either original or resells? There must be 3 main customer types for the scalper:
- Someone who has no internet access or does not know how to find tickets online
- Someone who randomly decides to try buying a scalped ticket
- Someone who loves the game of trying to get a deal even when the odds are stacked against them (unless they wait until the game is far enough along so that demand falls sharply)
I was in the category of #2 above in my visit last weekend to the University of Alabama. I really enjoyed the entertainment of offering ridiculously low prices for tickets that were overpriced to see the looks of disdain on the face of seller. It was also fun to watch the persistence of someone determined to get tickets at their price, even though they were offering $100 less than the asking price.
Eventually we gave up and went to the sports bar.
Friday, October 17, 2008
Management Wisdom
How many books of wisdom have to be written about good management practices before bad practices actually diminish in the workplace? It seems that there are hundreds, perhaps thousands of books and articles readily available to anyone with even a grain of sand's interest in improving their concepts. Especially if the subject(manager) has responsibilities in the medium of the object (workplace or other environment) where motivating people, improving productivity and maintaining high morale is critical to a company's success or survival.
Even so, the same sins appear to be committed time and again both in the macro sense of high level strategic direction and corporate survival as well as in the trenches of middle management where direct interaction with individual contributors is most important. Why is this? Lack of fundamental ability or skills? Ignorance? Lack of a desire to learn? Hubris?
Two books that are very interesting on this topic include: "The Ten Commandments for Business Failure" by Donald R. Keough and, of course, "Peopleware" by Tom DeMarco and Timothy Lister. These two books explore good and bad habits for steering companies at the executive level and at the middle management level respectively.
The DeMarco book is especially applicable to the software development arena, where my primary interest lies. Keough was a C-level executive for Coca-Cola for many years and offers very interesting insights into corporate management techniques.
Even so, the same sins appear to be committed time and again both in the macro sense of high level strategic direction and corporate survival as well as in the trenches of middle management where direct interaction with individual contributors is most important. Why is this? Lack of fundamental ability or skills? Ignorance? Lack of a desire to learn? Hubris?
Two books that are very interesting on this topic include: "The Ten Commandments for Business Failure" by Donald R. Keough and, of course, "Peopleware" by Tom DeMarco and Timothy Lister. These two books explore good and bad habits for steering companies at the executive level and at the middle management level respectively.
The DeMarco book is especially applicable to the software development arena, where my primary interest lies. Keough was a C-level executive for Coca-Cola for many years and offers very interesting insights into corporate management techniques.
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Using Google Services
This weekend I started moving my iLife to Google services. I have been in the backwater of technology for too long and have just recently discovered the plethora of things to play with in GoogleLand. Right now, I am like a kid in a candy store, trying to absorb everything that is available. After a short time of using gmail, docs, calendar, reading up on API capabilities and doing my first mash-up, I am impressed enough to start moving anything that makes sense to the platform. This is my first blog using blogger. I have a blog on another site that I will likely move to this one.
Since I am late to the party on this one, I am sure there is some nascent site or web platform that is cooler than Google. However, this will keep me busy for a while. I am fascinated with the Web 2.x to 3.x platform capabilities and Google seems to do an excellent job of enabling everyone to contribute to this effort. My goal is to have everything I do related to computing live in the cloud.
Since I am late to the party on this one, I am sure there is some nascent site or web platform that is cooler than Google. However, this will keep me busy for a while. I am fascinated with the Web 2.x to 3.x platform capabilities and Google seems to do an excellent job of enabling everyone to contribute to this effort. My goal is to have everything I do related to computing live in the cloud.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)