Please read the preceding post, "Profound Relationships" for context.
My last posting wondered about the components of what I was calling a "profound relationship". Admittedly, a less verbose name is needed for the concept. Maybe this is just another packaging of the age-old musings about the nature of love, but I think rather than trying to define all the various kinds of love, this conversation is more about narrowly focusing on one expression of it that we normally see in long-term monogamous couples.
I called it "profound" to distinguish it from flings, infatuations and other flavors of those kinds of relationships and to call attention to the fact that profound couplings are extremely rare. By profound, I mean one that lasts a "long" time, is satisfying to both partners, produces good fruit and has a presence that is detectable to friends and observers. In other words, the "couple" is a strong entity without diluting the individuality of the partners involved.
There are lots of other interesting discussion paths to explore regarding timing, friendship, romance and eroticism. Can there be any order? What is the difference in the relationship for particular orders? What is the difference for relationships with higher portions of one or the other? What if one or more is completely missing? On and on....
But I want to talk about what I believe is a fifth and very important component of a truly profound relationship: Vision. Of course, vision is important for any organizational entity or collection of people with a mission. It provides the reason for existence, direction and expectations for the future. It provides a mission and and inspires an energy to drive the mission.
What does this mean in a personal two-person relationship? I do not mean to suggest that it should be anywhere near as dry as explicitly mapping out plans, deliverables, success metrics or anything like you'd find in a commercial enterprise. But I do think a vision is an important part of the level of profundity of the relationship.
The vision is more than likely implicit rather than explicit. Or it starts implicitly and grows. And, it should be more abstract than concrete. If a vision is too concrete or explicit, it is too mechanical for a personal relationship, especially one that includes romance and eroticism. It can kill or diminish these important components. IOW, the relationship becomes too much of a business.
For young people, the obvious overriding vision is the family. Raising a family requires a vision that takes 20 years or more to bring to fruition. Thousands of decisions are made on a daily, weekly, monthly, annual basis that drive the vision of the family.
That said, a truly profound relationship will likely have a parallel vision that either runs as a secondary priority or is a seed that is planted and nourished at a slower pace while the more urgent family vision is grown to maturity.
Vision provides a framework in which the profound relationship can grow. It is idealistic and will never be completely realized. This keeps the infinity alive to avoid stagnation. Visions might range across artistic expression, community service, scientific endeavor, spiritual adventure, world travel and many more or some creative combination. The more abstract and spontaneous the better.
How can I tie these two posts together? I'll give it a shot, although consider this is one of a million, billion possibilities...
A particular accident of timing throws two people together who both experience that first romantic spark of interest. This morphs into a short-lived eroticism that runs its course, at least in its most intense form, giving birth to a very rich friendship that allows each to grow in new ways and explore common interests as well. Continued attention to timing pushes the relationship forward and promotes a desire for dual spiritual growth that gives birth to a vision that is never explicitly stated, but is unconciously created daily leading to increased creativity, productivity, appreciation and emotional presence of both partners.
Daily noise and haze does not stand a chance against such a formidable reality.
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Saturday, December 20, 2008
Profound Relationships
What makes a profound relationship between two people? Something beyond one based on sex. Something beyond one based on romance. Or friendship. Or timing. Something that is the sum of all those parts and more than the sum. The product of the multiplication of all those parts.
Timing, Friendship, Eroticism, Romance. A relationship that combines all 4 of these elements in the right proportions will exhibit something that appears spiritual. A holistic bonding of two individuals that is healthy, productive, positive and growing. There may be more, but these elements are certainly key.
Is this blending of two spirits into a greater whole the same as agape? I do not think so. Agape is a Greek word translated into English as "love", but has historical usage that seems to denote a more generalized love for God or from God. The kind of relationship I am seeking to describe is one that is squarely rooted in humanity. However, the exercise and success at blending the elements leads to an expression that is intimate, artistic, and at best, spiritual.
Are any of the elements more key than others? Well, certainly timing is fundamental. Without it, an initial meeting cannot occur. Beyond that, the particular individual states must be compatible for anything beyond a simple introductory exchange to occur. Timing may not be everything, but it is fundamental.
Beyond the relevance for initial meeting, timing is a meta-component of all the others and throughout a relationship. Timing of movement, comments, initiation, verbal exchanges and on and on are constantly guiding a relationship in subtle directions. Timing is to relationships as time is to physical dimensionality (i.e. it is a dimension, but has an ordering function on the other three of height, width and depth). Timing is necessary for starting a relationship and acts as a steering wheel throughout a relationship to keep it on course or not.
Of the other three, friendship certainly plays the next most important role. It is the cornerstone of any long-term relationship. It needs to be fed very often and enhances patience when trying times cause emotional flareups. Friendship loves fun and doing things together. It is enhanced through conversation, common activities and intimacy. Without friendship a relationship can be a silly melo-romantic wallowing or a one night stand (potentially repeated a few times).
Adding romance on top of friendship builds an important tier for affection. Touching, kissing, cuddling are irrestible if romance is present. Thoughtful, meaningful gifts may be a part of it. Thoughtfulness is definitely a part of it and to a higher degree than thoughtfulness at a friendship level. Human history is filled with the common symbols of romantic expression, which are best used once in a while and semi-regularly for maximum intensity. Too much becomes empty sentimentality. Too little diminishes a relationship back to the friendship level.
Eroticism, while present in the best of relationships, is least important from a long term perspective, but common in short term relationships. In profound relationships, it is best sprinkled sparsely over the top of a dish with a solid foundation in timing, reinforced with a flexible layer of friendship and energized with a tier of romance. A little goes a long way. If romance is the sauce, eroticism is the secret spice.
The specific combination of these elements is infinite and will be different for every relationship of course. Relationships that succeed, even for a less than marathon time period, will appear to be a work of art. Lovers are in sync and the relationship exudes positive energy that is energizing to those around it.
"I gotta get me some of that" is the usual reaction. The terms "power couple" or "soulmate" are pathetic attempts to express the effect of such a relationship in words. Music or some other art form do a much better job.
Timing, Friendship, Eroticism, Romance. A relationship that combines all 4 of these elements in the right proportions will exhibit something that appears spiritual. A holistic bonding of two individuals that is healthy, productive, positive and growing. There may be more, but these elements are certainly key.
Is this blending of two spirits into a greater whole the same as agape? I do not think so. Agape is a Greek word translated into English as "love", but has historical usage that seems to denote a more generalized love for God or from God. The kind of relationship I am seeking to describe is one that is squarely rooted in humanity. However, the exercise and success at blending the elements leads to an expression that is intimate, artistic, and at best, spiritual.
Are any of the elements more key than others? Well, certainly timing is fundamental. Without it, an initial meeting cannot occur. Beyond that, the particular individual states must be compatible for anything beyond a simple introductory exchange to occur. Timing may not be everything, but it is fundamental.
Beyond the relevance for initial meeting, timing is a meta-component of all the others and throughout a relationship. Timing of movement, comments, initiation, verbal exchanges and on and on are constantly guiding a relationship in subtle directions. Timing is to relationships as time is to physical dimensionality (i.e. it is a dimension, but has an ordering function on the other three of height, width and depth). Timing is necessary for starting a relationship and acts as a steering wheel throughout a relationship to keep it on course or not.
Of the other three, friendship certainly plays the next most important role. It is the cornerstone of any long-term relationship. It needs to be fed very often and enhances patience when trying times cause emotional flareups. Friendship loves fun and doing things together. It is enhanced through conversation, common activities and intimacy. Without friendship a relationship can be a silly melo-romantic wallowing or a one night stand (potentially repeated a few times).
Adding romance on top of friendship builds an important tier for affection. Touching, kissing, cuddling are irrestible if romance is present. Thoughtful, meaningful gifts may be a part of it. Thoughtfulness is definitely a part of it and to a higher degree than thoughtfulness at a friendship level. Human history is filled with the common symbols of romantic expression, which are best used once in a while and semi-regularly for maximum intensity. Too much becomes empty sentimentality. Too little diminishes a relationship back to the friendship level.
Eroticism, while present in the best of relationships, is least important from a long term perspective, but common in short term relationships. In profound relationships, it is best sprinkled sparsely over the top of a dish with a solid foundation in timing, reinforced with a flexible layer of friendship and energized with a tier of romance. A little goes a long way. If romance is the sauce, eroticism is the secret spice.
The specific combination of these elements is infinite and will be different for every relationship of course. Relationships that succeed, even for a less than marathon time period, will appear to be a work of art. Lovers are in sync and the relationship exudes positive energy that is energizing to those around it.
"I gotta get me some of that" is the usual reaction. The terms "power couple" or "soulmate" are pathetic attempts to express the effect of such a relationship in words. Music or some other art form do a much better job.
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