- Sacred
- Practical
- Civil
The Sacred part encompasses initial romantic love and more profound spiritual connection. It's the part that leads you to believe that the other person is your "cosmic" match in heart, soul and mind. With them you share the same or similar goals, aspirations, morals, beliefs, inspirations and vision. This is the core of an intimate relationship. If these and other important spiritual qualities are not in sync, the relationship is on rocky ground or will eventually crumble.
A story in the Bible expresses it as "equally yoked". There needs to be some level of intellectual, emotional, intuitive equality in place to create and sustain a firm foundation. Another Biblical reference "building on the rock and not the sand". The Spiritual connection is the holistic combination of the intellect, emotional and intuitive qualities of human beings. The Sacred part can be experienced without any piece of paper from the State or from acceptance by other friends or family members.
The Practical part is more about "we can date. can we live together". This has a lot to do with just the day to day experiences and annoyances that are part of living with someone else. It is very possible to love someone very deeply from a Sacred perspective, but not be able to live with them on a long term basis. Could be that their background is so different that a thousand little minor behaviors add up to create one big "elephant in the room" that becomes pervasive in almost every situation.
In the Practical realm, acceptance from family and friends does matter, although may not be a deal killer, it can add support or tension that affect the core relationship indirectly. More acceptance from friends and family can add support that might fill in gaps that are missing in the Sacred perspective. Less support might chip away at the Sacred relationship.
Of course the biggest Practical concern is financial. Not being equally yoked financially can create underlying tensions and resentments that damage otherwise decent relationships. Not only equally yoked, but having enough of a financial foundation is important. Two people should be able to "stand on their own two feet". In other words, the question should be asked: "If we were all of a sudden not together, would we each be able to take care of ourselves individually, both financially and emotionally". If the answer is No to either of those questions, some serious thought should be given to the level of readiness for marriage.
Not being able to stand separate financially means one will be a drain on the other who can take care of themselves. If neither can stand alone, the marriage will have a very rocky foundation with dependencies on parents, friends and family continuing, creating tension and stress for extended family. There is a certain level of maturity that is gained by knowing that everything I do in my life depends on me. I am responsible and accountable. I do not expect anyone else to bail me out or "fix" things in my financial life. If this level of maturity is not attained before marriage, storm clouds are brewing.
Not being able to stand separate emotionally means the relationship is fundamentally co-dependent. It is not a coming together of two independent strong people. It is one or more needy people coming together and that does not bode well for long term sustainability.
Both the Sacred and the Practical can be experienced without the Civil perspective. Traditionally, the Civil and the Sacred have been fused into one unit. In order for a couple to live together and fully experience the Sacred and Practical, they had to contract with the State to get a marriage license. The act of creating a Civil Union in the eyes of the State creates a single financial unit, where before there were 2 independent financial units, now there is one. Some advantages and disadvantages may accrue. Couples who do not follow the traditional pattern of fusing the Sacred with the Civil need to ask themselves "What are we gaining and losing by entering into this civil contract with the State?"
One advantage of becoming married in the eyes of the State is that tax situations might be simpler or more financially rewarding. Having one name means that having children is both more socially acceptable and feels more like a family. However, bringing children into a situation where the Sacred and Practical concerns are not healthy is dangerous. Also, having children usually means the loss of one income for some length of time. If the couple cannot live on one income, this can be serious. Harking back to the financial concerns mentioned earlier, it is a good idea to be able to live on either income as that provides a good insurance policy for the expense of having young children or unexpected financial challenges.
A possible disadvantage of the Civil part of a marriage is the fact that the two are financially fused from that point on. So, any debts incurred, bad judgements or loss of employment by one affects both. This is another reason for the need to know that the other person is so fundamentally sound they will be able to minimize bad decisions and overcome any unexpected adversity in their lives. In other words, they are a "Rock", unshakable in their vision, commitment, perseverance and stability toward realizing the highest Good for themselves, their relationships, their family and All humanity.
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